People who went to the same school, or went to the same event, or worked for the same boss or even grew up together, do not have the same experiences and memories of those times. It is foolish to assume our experiences, memories and feelings are theirs.

I was reminded of this when a guy reached out to me through LinkedIn. He wanted to connect and his message was based on what he believed were great, similar memories we certainly shared at my alma mater. Though our memories of the university were quite different, I agree to connect, and he sent a similar message to further our “relationship.” He likely graduated from the university 20 years after I did; it was a different place for me than for him. It appears that he had a more traditional college experience; I was more of a go-to-class-then-leave-for work sort of student; he seems to have fond memories of hanging out at some of the campus “hot spots”; I spent little time in those places. His story and mine are not the same.

The same can be said of siblings, colleagues, organization members and so on. No one has the view of life that you do because only you have lived them. I have a program called Memories to Memoirs ™ which uses exercises that I created called LIFElines™ that look at experiences through four lenses. Listening to the range of stories and perspectives in the workshops over the years has been fascinating and quite a gift.  As much as people naturally want to find connections to each other, it is sometimes a wonder that we ever have them. That doesn’t keep us from trying and that’s a good thing.

Instead of assuming that a commonality of location or event or experience with someone means a similar or same impression, use the common element as a gateway for questions, listening and good conversation.  

All this reminds me of a time that I sat in an executive council meeting with other university administrators. The university was going through significant changes and one of the leaders said, “If every alumnus gave $20, we’d have the funds we need.” Heads turned to me because the development and alumni relations offices were my purview. I reminded them that 100% participation was completely unrealistic, that to increase our annual giving through an expanded annual appeal program would require increased funding for the development office, and that alumni who were still paying off student loans and who paid for services rendered through tuition and fees-upon-fees might not feel too compelled to donate. I also reminded them that I knew how many of them donated anything to the university that paid them well and it was not many. The room went quiet. There were no responses. The group then moved to the next item on the agenda. The stories of our alumni were not the stories of our administrators or faculty.

Truth be told, in the alumni relations field, it is true that the longer the period of time since graduation, the more nostalgic alumni tend to be about their experiences at college. Student loans are paid off, their own kids have graduated from college, careers are set or retirement is on the horizon…conditions change and so, too, are the perspectives. That is why reunions can be so impactful.

Maybe we should carry a “reunion attitude” in life. Every day, every encounter, every conversation is the chance to ask, “Remember when…?” and let others share their stories. Yours may, or may not, jive with theirs and that is okay. You will feel connected to people without assumptions, stereotypes or categorizations. Our story is not theirs, but theirs will be interesting if we listen.